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Corona quarantine diary
Objavljivač niti: Mervyn Henderson

Mervyn Henderson  Identity Verified
Španija
Local time: 00:55
španski na engleski
+ ...
POKRETAČ TEME
@PLF Jan 15

Torres Oranges. They export everywhere. And everywhere means everywhere. No home without a Torres Orange. Be you with Torres. Eat them until you can't possibly eat any more. Torres Oranges.

[Edited at 2021-01-15 10:06 GMT]

[Edited at 2021-01-15 10:06 GMT]


P.L.F.Persio
Zibow Retailleau
expressisverbis
 

P.L.F.Persio  Identity Verified
Holandija
Local time: 00:55
Član (2010)
engleski na italijanski
+ ...
Soviet joke Jan 15

The mood was becoming too light, so here's a sobering joke:

Stalin delivers a speech to a large audience in the Kremlin. Suddenly someone sneezes.
Stalin: Who sneezed?
Everyone is shaking, and no one dares to confess.
Stalin: First row, rise and leave. You’ll be shot.
(Applause)
Stalin: So, who sneezed?
Silence.
Stalin: Second row, rise and leave. You’ll be shot.
(Ovation, shouts: ‘Hail great Stalin!’)
Stalin: So who snee
... See more
The mood was becoming too light, so here's a sobering joke:

Stalin delivers a speech to a large audience in the Kremlin. Suddenly someone sneezes.
Stalin: Who sneezed?
Everyone is shaking, and no one dares to confess.
Stalin: First row, rise and leave. You’ll be shot.
(Applause)
Stalin: So, who sneezed?
Silence.
Stalin: Second row, rise and leave. You’ll be shot.
(Ovation, shouts: ‘Hail great Stalin!’)
Stalin: So who sneezed?
A man rises in the back row, shaking: It was me, sorry…
Stalin: No big deal. Bless you, comrade!
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Mervyn Henderson
Thomas T. Frost
Merab Dekano
Zibow Retailleau
expressisverbis
 

Thomas T. Frost  Identity Verified
Član (2014)
danski na engleski
+ ...
GDR joke Jan 15

Ein DDR-Bürger geht spät in der Nacht durch Ostberlin und ruft lauten Halses immer wieder: "Scheißstaat, Scheißregierung!"
Plötzlich taucht ein Stasi-Offizier auf und verhaftet ihn.
Der Mann will den Grund dafür wissen, worauf der von der Stasi ihn an seine lautstarken Äußerungen erinnert.
Der Mann verteidigt sich und sagt: "Ich habe ja gar nicht gesagt, welchen Scheißstaat und welche Scheißregierung ich meine."
Der Stasioffizier denkt kurz nach und läßt den M
... See more
Ein DDR-Bürger geht spät in der Nacht durch Ostberlin und ruft lauten Halses immer wieder: "Scheißstaat, Scheißregierung!"
Plötzlich taucht ein Stasi-Offizier auf und verhaftet ihn.
Der Mann will den Grund dafür wissen, worauf der von der Stasi ihn an seine lautstarken Äußerungen erinnert.
Der Mann verteidigt sich und sagt: "Ich habe ja gar nicht gesagt, welchen Scheißstaat und welche Scheißregierung ich meine."
Der Stasioffizier denkt kurz nach und läßt den Mann gehen.
Dieser verschwindet, wird aber zwei Minuten später von dem Stasioffizier wieder eingeholt und erneut verhaftet.
Darauf der Mann: "Wieso dieses?"
Da sagt der Stasimensch: "Ich habe mir gerade überlegt: Es gibt ja nur einen Scheißstaat und eine Scheißregierung..."

A GDR citizen is walking through East Berlin late at night and keeps shouting loudly: "Shitty state, shitty government!"
Suddenly a Stasi officer appears and arrests him.
The man wants to know why the Stasi officer reproaches him for his loud statements.
The man defends himself and says: "I didn't even say which shitty state and shitty government I meant."
The Stasi officer thinks about it for a moment and lets the man go.
The man walks away, but the Stasi officer catches up with him two minutes later and arrests him again.
The man asks: "Why are you doing this?"
The Stasi officer says: "I just realised that there is only one shitty state and one shitty government …"
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Mervyn Henderson
Zibow Retailleau
Joe France
expressisverbis
Chris S
P.L.F.Persio
Beatriz Ramírez de Haro
 

Mervyn Henderson  Identity Verified
Španija
Local time: 00:55
španski na engleski
+ ...
POKRETAČ TEME
Stalin Jan 15

Good joke! From what I've read of Uncle Joe, it wouldn't have been such a strange occurrence. Friendly or murderous? Keep them guessing about your mood at all times, that's what he did. He even lay half-dead beside his bed for ages on his last day on earth because none of his bodyguards or anyone else dared go in to see why he hadn't emerged yet.

P.L.F.Persio
 

Merab Dekano  Identity Verified
Španija
Član (2014)
engleski na španski
+ ...
Another Soviet joke Jan 15

P.L.F.Persio wrote:

The mood was becoming too light, so here's a sobering joke:

Stalin delivers a speech to a large audience in the Kremlin. Suddenly someone sneezes.
Stalin: Who sneezed?
Everyone is shaking, and no one dares to confess.
Stalin: First row, rise and leave. You’ll be shot.
(Applause)
Stalin: So, who sneezed?
Silence.
Stalin: Second row, rise and leave. You’ll be shot.
(Ovation, shouts: ‘Hail great Stalin!’)
Stalin: So who sneezed?
A man rises in the back row, shaking: It was me, sorry…
Stalin: No big deal. Bless you, comrade!


Do you know why the US President, when delivering a speech, has one huge mike, whereas General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union has multiple small mikes?

Well, it’s because in the case of the US President it’s a real mike, while in the case of the General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union only one of them is a real mike. The rest of them are oxygen supply tubes disguised as mikes...


Mervyn Henderson
Zibow Retailleau
expressisverbis
P.L.F.Persio
 

Mervyn Henderson  Identity Verified
Španija
Local time: 00:55
španski na engleski
+ ...
POKRETAČ TEME
@Merab Jan 15

No, I have to admit my dumbness. I assume it's a French joke about la petite mort, but it's the parrot bit I don't get. The parrot has been repeating stuff, but what?

Thomas T. Frost
Zibow Retailleau
expressisverbis
P.L.F.Persio
 

Merab Dekano  Identity Verified
Španija
Član (2014)
engleski na španski
+ ...
The point is Jan 15

Mervyn Henderson wrote:

No, I have to admit my dumbness. I assume it's a French joke about la petite mort, but it's the parrot bit I don't get. The parrot has been repeating stuff, but what?


The Death is small in size because a parrot is a small bird. Otherwise, the Death would be as tall as a normal human being.


expressisverbis
P.L.F.Persio
 

expressisverbis
Portugalija
Local time: 23:55
Član (2015)
engleski na portugalski
+ ...
A genie lamp Jan 15

Three men are stranded in the desert and find a genie lamp.
They are all starving and dehydrated in the hot desert.
Pablo the Mexican walks up to the genie lamp and rubs it...
Genie: Pablo the Mexican, I will grant you one wish and one wish only! Choose your next words carefully!
Pablo: I am a pilot and I do miss flying.. I wish that I had an airplane to fly out of here.
Genie: An airplane it is!
Magically an airplane appears out of nowhere, and Pablo the Mex
... See more
Three men are stranded in the desert and find a genie lamp.
They are all starving and dehydrated in the hot desert.
Pablo the Mexican walks up to the genie lamp and rubs it...
Genie: Pablo the Mexican, I will grant you one wish and one wish only! Choose your next words carefully!
Pablo: I am a pilot and I do miss flying.. I wish that I had an airplane to fly out of here.
Genie: An airplane it is!
Magically an airplane appears out of nowhere, and Pablo the Mexican has already flown away.
Next up, Kevin the Asian, he walks up to the genie and rubs the lamp.
Genie: Kevin the Asian! I will grant you one wish and one wish only! Choose your next words carefully!
Kevin: I sure do miss my wife and children... I wish that I was at home with my family.
Genie: A family’s man? Your wish is granted!
Next up, João the Portuguese, he goes up to the lamp and rubs it.
Genie: João the Portuguese! I will grant you one wish and one wish only! Choose your next words wisely!
John: Damn, it’s pretty lonely out here in the desert, I wish that my friends were here!!

[Edited at 2021-01-15 10:54 GMT]

[Edited at 2021-01-15 10:54 GMT]
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Thomas T. Frost
Zibow Retailleau
P.L.F.Persio
Mervyn Henderson
Chris S
Beatriz Ramírez de Haro
 

Zibow Retailleau  Identity Verified
Mauricijus
Local time: 03:55
Član (2019)
engleski na kineski
+ ...
And they say size doesn't matter Jan 15

Merab Dekano wrote:

The Death is small in size because a parrot is a small bird. Otherwise, the Death would be as tall as a normal human being.


It does, apparently.


expressisverbis
P.L.F.Persio
Merab Dekano
Mervyn Henderson
Chris S
 

Zibow Retailleau  Identity Verified
Mauricijus
Local time: 03:55
Član (2019)
engleski na kineski
+ ...
All these Soviet and GDR jokes have messed me up Jan 15

This is a real conversation between my husband and me earlier.

He was looking at some devices for e-books on the Internet.

'I have so many e-books; I need the final solution,' he said.
'The Final Solution!?' I was surprised.
'To find a solution! Are you OK!?'


P.L.F.Persio
Mervyn Henderson
Chris S
expressisverbis
 

Merab Dekano  Identity Verified
Španija
Član (2014)
engleski na španski
+ ...
Sinking ship (classics) Jan 15

A very devoted person takes a trip by sea to go to a holy place. Suddenly, the ship starts sinking and the very devoted person implores to God:

- God, I dedicated my life to you. In fact, I’m on my way to a holy place to worship you. I haven’t sinned in my entire life! Why are you permitting that I die here at sea?!

The God pokes his head through the clouds and responds:

- Damn it, man! I wish I could save you. I really do. But I spent last three years
... See more
A very devoted person takes a trip by sea to go to a holy place. Suddenly, the ship starts sinking and the very devoted person implores to God:

- God, I dedicated my life to you. In fact, I’m on my way to a holy place to worship you. I haven’t sinned in my entire life! Why are you permitting that I die here at sea?!

The God pokes his head through the clouds and responds:

- Damn it, man! I wish I could save you. I really do. But I spent last three years to gather all these sinners on board of this one ship... Sorry, man. I really am...
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Mervyn Henderson
P.L.F.Persio
expressisverbis
 

Mervyn Henderson  Identity Verified
Španija
Local time: 00:55
španski na engleski
+ ...
POKRETAČ TEME
Size Jan 15

Zibow seems to get it (and everyone else), but I still don't. How embarrassing.

Zibow Retailleau
P.L.F.Persio
Thomas T. Frost
expressisverbis
 

P.L.F.Persio  Identity Verified
Holandija
Local time: 00:55
Član (2010)
engleski na italijanski
+ ...
No truth in the news, and no news in the truth Jan 15

Another Soviet joke that works better in Russian, and Merab will surely get it, but it's interesting anyway.

The "Truth (Pravda)" and the "News (Izvestiya)" were propaganda-heavy, government-controlled newspapers in the USSR: В Правде нет известий, в Известиях нет правды. (V Pravde nyet izvestiy, v Izvestiyach nyet pravdy.)

[Edited at 2021-01-15 12:49 GMT]


Thomas T. Frost
Merab Dekano
Zibow Retailleau
Mervyn Henderson
expressisverbis
 

Chris S  Identity Verified
Velika Britanija
švedski na engleski
+ ...
One from Sweden Jan 15

How do you know if a Dane has been on your computer?

Tippex on the screen.


Zibow Retailleau
Thomas T. Frost
expressisverbis
Mervyn Henderson
P.L.F.Persio
 

Mervyn Henderson  Identity Verified
Španija
Local time: 00:55
španski na engleski
+ ...
POKRETAČ TEME
More Dane Jan 16

How do you know if a Great Dane has been on your computer?

Turd on the keyboard.


Zibow Retailleau
P.L.F.Persio
Chris S
expressisverbis
 
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